Grace Under Fire

I spent most of the morning with my ex-husband and our 9 year old son at the doctor's office. Oh no, it's not our son that needed to go, it's his father, that did. My son and I decided to go with him and give him moral support as he undergoes a series of tests by his doctors at Kaiser because of some medical issues he has been experiencing lately.

Last night my ex-husband confided in me that he feels that something is not right about his health, and that there are days when he suspects that he does not have much time left with our son before he passes away. Oh, just so you know, my former husband is 62, and I am 38. We divorced in 2001 after being married for less than 2 years. Our son was born one month before our divorce was finalized, in June 2000.

Let me say, with a heavy heart that undergoing this journey with the man that I married and later divorced and seeing his health decline while embarking on my journey of forgiveness and healing towards him, is to say the least, very hard. Up until 2005, I spent the previous 4 years engaged in hatred and bitterness and never-ending trips to court, battling my ex-husband on multiple fronts. At first I assumed the woman scorned approach, and thought that worked for me, but in the end, however--I was proven wrong. Oh don't get me wrong, what he did and said to me prior to our divorce was painfully wrong and cruel, and contemptible by all accounts. But, in the end I only hurt my soul, my mind, and my body by holding onto anger and bitterness and losing sight of the bigger picture--our son.

There are days like today that I feel all of the bitterness and disappointment of the past just fall away like water, in light of the brevity of life and the consequences inextricably tied to the process of dying, and leaving those you love behind.

I came to reflect upon the bigger picture and assessed what was more important in terms of our son, for me personally, and finally, my former husband. I realized that anger and blame no longer matters anymore when faced with the possibility that my son may end up growing up without a father as his father was without his at a young age.

Lately I've noticed my ex-husband taking steps to protect his assets and designate them to his family as well as arranging the rest of his affairs. Additionally, I also sensed an urgency in his wanting to be with our son and doing projects together and going places together as father and son. Thankfully, God gave me enough sense to see the bigger picture and gave me the grace to allow unconditional time for each of them and also to make spending every Sunday together as a family (albeit divorced) a top priority.

Today was one of those days where it felt as if we were not divorced. He started and I picked up, and I left off where he picked up. We felt in-sync somehow. The left hand working perfectly with the right.